Delicious by DS5 with Tim Anderson

Gone In 60 Seconds

Temptation is seductive mistress and she can appear in many guises and just lately, she seems to be appearing a lot in my life. And I am not just talking about an alluring packet of chocolate digestives that lies in wait, on the shelf, ready to spring whenever you open the cupboard. Or about the leg of roast chicken that beckons to you, coyly, amidst the soft, yellow glow of the fridge in the midnight hour. This is not Nigella. No, I am talking about inducement of solicitous kind, the sort of temptation that will get you into trouble, big trouble, enough to get you banged up. So, with that in mind, I am truly grateful to the PR girl from Citroën for snatching the keys away from me last week because I would have done it, I would have pinched their brand new shiny DS5 and screeched it off the drive, off into the sunset, never to be seen again. But thankfully that didn't happen. All because my driving license is just out of date and some Suzy sharp eyes spotted it just in time. Sh*t.

What the hell am I going on about?

Well, last week I was invited to attend a preview lunch in opulent Dulwich as Citroën are to be proud sponsors of charitable pop up restaurant called Delicious by DS5 and the main man at the helm will none other than Tim Anderson, winner of BBC MasterChef 2011. The premise is that Tim and his cohorts will present a five course menu based upon the five senses at a secret location in trendy Shoreditch and tickets for the event will cost a paltry five pounds. And from there on, all profits will go towards Fareshare, a very worthwhile charity that aims to fight food poverty in this country and educate nutrition by redistributing surplus food which, inexcusably, often heads for landfill sites. And naturally, Citroën are launching their brand new car, the aforementioned DS5 in conjunction with the whole shebang, which brings me neatly back to the 'incident'.

You see for the first part of the proceedings, the assembled bloggers had to go off on a scavenger hunt around Dulwich to bring back ingredients for two of the dishes we were going to sample, ubiquitously named Aromas of Syrah and Taste of Beef. Now the concept of scavenging in Dulwich is probably a bit of a misnomer, especially as the crib sheet said we had to find a delicatessen and a farm shop, although I am sure the bins in the village are full of fine fare. And we had to do this using a map and our very own DS5 to drive. The keys were handed over to me and then I paused. I did just mention 10 minutes earlier that I shouldn't be driving because my licence was just out of date and could therefore cause a severe lapse on the insurance policy. But once I squeezed into the soft, leather driving seat and took a look around at all the fancy gizmos and gadgets surrounding me, I suddenly became convinced that everything would be ok. 'It would be very unlikely that I will ever have an accident,' I said to myself, in a monotone voice and so I clicked the automatic into DRIVE.

And then tap, tap, tap, there she stood, the PR girl, like a blonde angel of mercy, politely asking me to get out of the car and into the passenger seat, because she was going to be driving.

Which was quite embarrassing really. Sh*t.

Thankfully, once we had collected our ingredients, the rest of the day went without any further hitches and it was a pleasure to spend some time in the company of Tim and partnering chef Sujan Sarkar, helping out in the kitchen and learning about some of the concepts behind the menu for the pop up. As you might expect from someone who has endured a competition that doesn't get tougher than this, Tim had quite a few tricks up his sleeve and it was interesting to see the processes employed first hand. I definitely think that Tim's aim of delivering a multi-sensual experience is going to pay off. And because there is a certain element of surprise behind all of this, I am slightly loathed to describe the dishes we sampled in detail. However, I can say the beef or the 'tasting' course, delivers an intense umami hit and that dessert or the 'aroma' course is a clever deconstruction of the flavours and characteristics of Syrah wine.

To find out more about the pop up, which will be open to members of the public from Wednesday 16th to Saturday 20th May and to be in with a chance of getting a place at the table, you need to register your interest at Citroën's Facebook page here. To be frank, five squids for five courses is a steal so this is going to be a hot ticket. Remember, it is also for a very good cause so I for one, am hoping that I will make the ballot to get a seat.

Because I really want a second chance at nicking a DS5.

Tim and Sujan

Gizmos

Scavenging with Doreen from Tasty Fever!.....................pffft.

Tim pouring

Tim smoking

Taste of Beef

Smoke gets in your eyes

Aromas of Syrah

Gone In erm 10 Seconds

Miele MasterChef Mashup

COOKING DOES NOT GET TOUGHER THAN THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There I've said it. Or shouted it rather. I just had to give it a try but then I didn't figure on having to pick myself up off the floor after bursting the temporal artery in my head due to excessive exclamation. I think one of my eyes nearly popped out too. It's fine for Gregg Wallace. He's been shifting fruit and veg for most of his life and in his game, yelling is a prerequisite, screaming at the top of his lungs to get housewives to fondle his bananas. When I met him last week along with John Torode, I was hoping he would give us a touch of the ol' barrowboy blasting, you know to up the tempo a bit. He didn't let me down. Boy that man is loud although I have to say that I was slightly disappointed that he didn't roll out that old classic. I was slightly disappointed in other areas too but more on that in a bit.

So what was I doing in the company of the MasterChef duo, had I finally plucked up the courage to apply? Was I going to be on tv? Am I going to open that restaurant at last? Well no but these were some of the questions fired my way after revealing to family and friends that I was going
to have a crack at the MasterChef challenge. People are always saying that I should go for it and the show pony in me would like to but essentially I harbour no great desire to open my own restaurant. It's all sounds like too much bloody hard work. And besides the invention test scares the pants off of me. If I had to do that then I'm sure I'd go down the proverbial route of rabbit staring into headlights. However, then the invite came popping through into my mailbox from Miele, teutonic knights of home appliances and sponsors of MasterChef Live, to take part at an event at their new showroom off Oxford Street. The challenge was to prepare and cook two dishes of your choice within an hour. A little bit of a tough one but still within my comfort zone so I jumped at the chance. I even managed a practise run in the kitchen at home one evening with my wife sticking her face into mine, bombarding me with questions à la Torode and Wallace. I generally told her to "eff off" most of the time and I should have brought some of that attitude to the showroom.

The great thing was that I wasn't going to be alone in this as I was to be joined by 4 other fantastic bloggers, both familiar faces and new in the form of Sarah from Maison Cupcake, Helly of Fuss Free Flavours, Ireena of Fastest Food Blog and MiMi of Meemalee's Kitchen. Walking into the Miele showroom was akin to stepping onto the set of a sci-fi film, it all looked very sleek. As I walked up to one of the ovens and began to eyeball it for any obvious knobs or buttons (there weren't any), I half expected a HAL-like voice to emit from a hidden speaker.

"Hello sir, I shall be your oven today and will take care of all your needs. Please do not touch that sir, that is a light switch and you will plunge the showroom into darkness. Thank you"

So I decided it would best to just step back, get stuck into the mountain of food that had already been prepared and partake in a glass of fizz. Soon enough it was time to be shown to our work stations (which I shared with MiMi), unload bags of ingredients and get everything in order. The whole place was a hive of activity with Miele home economists and assistants running around asking if we needed anything, showing where equipment and utensils were secreted away. My only concern was working out how to use the space age induction hob and aforementioned talking ovens (they don't talk really!) but I was reassured that help would be at hand. Phew. As the time for kick off drew close, the boys from MC came waltzing in and I have to say it was very cute to see Gregg eliciting giggles from a baby that a guest had brought along. "Aw, they seem like nice chaps" I thought. Then introductions were made, health and safety briefs were um, briefed and before I knew it, we were all underway.

I had decided to keep it simple with a menu of Grilled Mackerel with Spring Onions, Charlotte Potatoes and Calcot Sauce followed by Stewed Gooseberries topped with Meringue Peaks. And by keeping it simple, I was hoping to keep it together too and on that front, I didn't do too bad. Amy, our very able assistant caught me by the arm as I tore off to find a kettle explaining that the hob would get the water for the spuds boiling in under a minute and also showed me that I didn't have to keep opening the oven doors to check on the food. "Just touch here and the light in the oven will come on". Wow, superfast water boiling and ovens with lights, what will those Germans think of next? I would now like a Miele oven now, please. Of course everything went past in a blur what with the chaps coming up quizifying me about everything including the sauce. They had never heard of calcot sauce but this may be because I have been pronouncing it wrong all this time and have only just found out (sounds like cal'sot according to this woman). The fiddlest part was filleting the mackerel which I did purely for brownie points, I wish had got them done beforehand as that would have saved me some time. As it was getting near to plating up time I spied some egg yolks nestled in a ramekin. Egg yolks? What was I meant to do with those? GAH! They should have gone in the goosegog pud to emulsify and thicken it up!! But it was too late. Those MasterChef peeps are sticklers and so we all lined up our respective dishes ready for John and Gregg to get stuck into.

I have to say that everyone's efforts looked very impressive indeed given the time frame and for the record this is what was on the menu.

Fuss Free Flavours - Veal on a Mediterranean sauce of garlic, onion, raisins, capers & olives with a rocket and broad bean salad. Lime and Elderflower posset with berries marinated in homemade elderflower cordial and an Irish Lace biscuit.

Maison Cupcake - Hazelnut French macarons with mascarpone and Nutella filling. Hummingbird Bakery's Nutty Apple Loaf. (A cake in under an hour!)

Fastest Food Blog - Indian Spiced Salmon, Vegetable Pilau Rice, and Aubergine Raita. And Nectarine 'Crumble'

Meemalee's Kitchen - Burmese coconut chicken noodles (ohn-no khao swe), and a blueberry and orange zest shortcake, with whipped cream and a blueberry and orange coulis.

And so to the tasting. What did John and Gregg think? I was first up and I have to say it felt quite odd offering my food up for criticism and I pensively chewed on my fingernails as they each took a bite. I think overall the reaction was that it was good but like forever written on my report card, I could have done better. They were impressed with the fish saying it was cooked well but the sauce was too sweet, I needed something a bit more zesty to go with the oily mackerel. And the look Gregg gave me after spooning watery goosegog stew into his mouth, well you would have thought that I had told him that I'd just shot his dog. As a pud fiend I think he was really looking forward to it and I had let him down, damn egg yolks. Still John said that the meringue was good and to be honest their overall judgement was fair. "Just wait till I get on the show" I thought to myself, grinning and winking before remembering "oh shit, the invention test!"

Onwards they moved up the table, sampling and tasting, giving each blogger appraisles and quibbles over their dishes but judging by their reaction to Ireena's dessert (they both did that jaw-dislocating fork shovelling act which they've become famous for) I could tell she had it in the bag. After some hush hush conflab in the corner of the showroom, she was pronounced the winner and deservedly so. There wasn't much left of her crumble but Ireena's salmon was delicious and I would consider making a trek up to Cambridge if she fancies taking part in Where's My Pork Chop?

Cooked out but happy for taking part I milled around afterwards with a celebratory glass, chatting with everyone. It was especially good to meet Dhruv the recent winning finalist from the last series in person. Blimey he's built like a brick house but he seemed like a nice fella, just don't crush my hand so much next time alright? However, right at the very end something very odd happened. Throughout the afternoon John and Gregg were pretty much like their on-screen personas full of banter but essentially friendly and warm. Then their masks slipped and the banter that was being handed out turned slightly sinister, was tantamount to bullying and felt quite uncomfortable to watch really. It's crap speaking out of school and I don't plan to give exact details of what happened but I would gladly like to meet them again and go over the finer points of blogging and manners as the pair seem to be quite befuddled by it all. One cheeky chappy reckons that hardly anyone reads blogs anyway so why bother? At a PR event arranged for bloggers I should add. Whilst it sounds like the other cardi besmirched one spends evenings alone in front of the computer, weeping gently, full of vitriol because someone has dared to criticise his food. It was a downright shame for the afternoon to end like it did because up until that point it was fantastic fun. I let my feelings be known to the powers that be on the day and have even tried to contact via email for further feedback. You know just in case I took everything I heard out of context. You know just in case I've got it wrong. But funnily enough my phone hasn't rung.

Still top marks for the Miele team and their amazing ovens and for the exercise itself, it certainly made me appreciate what the contenders on MasterChef go through.

COOKING DOES NOT GET *hack cough splutter*..........oh sod 'em.

My space age cooking station

Where's the knobs? Where's the buttons? Aiieeeee it talks! (not really)

Preparing to taste everyone's grub

You cocked up the goosegogs!

Down the dark, dark tunnel!!!!

Two slapheads

Grilled Mackerel with Spring Onion, Charlotte Potatoes and Calcot Sauce

Stewed Gooseberries with Meringue

Masterchef Burnt My Maryland Crab Cakes

OK, hands up. When cooking at home in my kitchen, I do get a bit grouchy, precious and have been known to swan about like a prima donna declaring that "this is MY kitchen, this is MY domain". I haven't gone as far as wearing a keffiyeh wrapped around my head yet but if I'm not careful, these delusions of grandeur could get the better of me. I think my worst habit is being an absolute stickler for keeping an eye on things. I can't just leave the pots and pans be, gently simmering away. No it's a rhythmic succession of lifting lids, checking, tasting, stirring, checking, chopping, shaking, checking, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. And please don't talk to me when I am going through this process. I might just be warming some up soup, I don't care, genius is at work here. At dinner parties, best you remain in the living room but if you do need topping up with wine or another cold beer then just tip toe past me, softly and quietly. And god help you if you make any offer of help. The megalomaniacal streak in me will soon have me barking and lashing out with a plastic spatula as I press my ancient and knackered Kenwood food processor close to my heart like a female baboon clutching her newborn. When plating up, I even do that thing of checking each plate, eyeing it up intently and wiping spots clear with the corner of a white tea towel before nodding at my wife. She normally just walks off sighing and punctuates the air with a loud tut. I don't know where this comes from as ordinarily I have the attention span of a gnat. I think it's a general fear of cocking things up, getting it wrong. There's nothing worse than that deflating feeling as you scrape the burnt remnants of a risotto in the bin with bottom lip protruding like the kid who dropped his ice cream. So my mantra when cooking is: Pay attention at all times.

And when cooking fish this mantra is particularly important. A couple of weeks ago, I took receivership of some fine samples from Fish For Thought, a small fish and shellfish supplier based in Cornwall who distribute the bounty of the sea throughout the land via the magic of the internets. Fish For Thought are committed to sourcing their produce through local Cornish fishermen, placing an emphasis on sustainability and have recently gained accreditation from the Marine Stewardship Council. So with this mind, I was very happy to take on board 4 fillets of wild black bream, 6 Cornish scallops, a pack of Cornish cocktail crab claws and a hefty pack of freshly handpicked Cornish white crab meat. Well you would be wouldn't you. Eyeing up the moist crab meat, I immediately thought about making some Maryland Crab Cakes served with a Tarragon Vinegar and Butter Sauce from a Rick Stein recipe that I've used before. It was mainly because I had all of the ingredients to hand. And also because I didn't have to face the time consuming prospect of boiling a crab up and break it into teeny weeny pieces to get access to very little meat. I love crab but it is a pain sometimes to extract the best of the flesh especially when you've been blessed with clumsy, sausage-like fingers. Most of it winds up on the floor whenever I grapple with that damned crustacean. So I set about the task diligently and not before long I had some very pretty looking patties which went in the fridge to chill. Of course, as all good Michelin chefs do, I did a little taste test beforehand to check flavour and seasoning and kept a close eye on the 'sample' cake, giving it just a couple of minutes gentle frying, leaving each side golden crisp. And it tasted great. Savoury, rich, yummy and er crabby. That night's supper was looking good.

Except that night, MasterChef was on.

Now I confess, I've only watched a few episodes from the latest series but I switched on that night to find the final three had been whittled down. Through a series of intensive heats and tasks I should add and not just by John and Gregg's excessive gurning and shouting. A few minutes in, with iPhone in hand, I spied a frenzy of tweets on Twitter with people hashtagging #masterchef and noticed that MasterChef finalists Dhruv, Alex and Tim had been getting involved too. I then had the brainwave of contacting them to see if they would be interested in getting involved with Where's My Pork Chop? "Let's get in there quick before they get chewed up by the media machine!" I screamed, leaping out of the sofa. But then my wife uttered the words "so when are you going to do this dinner then?" What followed next was a frantic juggling of pots and pans and lighting of stove flames along with dipping in and out of the living room to keep track of the programme. Into the mix was thrown a manic dicing of tomatoes, a savage chopping of tarragon and the desperate fingering of a slippery iPhone pad because it got covered in melted butter. Totally abandoning my cooking principles and imaginary keffiyeh, I soon found myself in the middle of my own personal service nightmare and things started to slip. All because of bloody Masterchef. I had been reducing the white wine vinegar for the sauce but let it go too far. When I stuck my head under the extractor hood and my nose over the pan, I nearly keeled over because the vapours were so intense and strong. In the heat and confusion of washing up as I went along, I discovered that I had chucked away the clarified butter I made earlier down the sink, so I set about making some more. Only to find that we hardly had any butter left. So I screamed. "Arrrgh!" And then came the pièce de résistance as I heated the frying pan and popped the crab cakes in and then I glanced down at the iPhone again:

"Hey! Dhruv's heard of Where's My Pork Chop?!" I shouted out.

Suddenly, without any word or warning, I looked up and found myself transported to a countryside scene captured in soft focus. Where I was sat at a sunlit table outside an unidentified ye olde worlde pub with all three MasterChef contestants. These guys, it seemed, were my bestest friends and the air was heady with laughter, back slapping and the consumption of ale in pewter tankards, all of us resplendent in breeches and hats with feathers jutting out at a jaunty angle. A selection of silver platters laden with meat, cheese, bread and fruit were brought to the table by some buxom wench and to my surprise, the saucy maid had also placed down on the bench a clay jar full of bread sticks. To up the hilarity, I decided to take two of the sticks and stuff them up my nose but before they reached my nostrils, some other fug entered my senses. "What was that smell?" I thought. It didn't take long to realise that it was the grim stench of burning crab and I soon came crashing out of that particular daydream to discover that yes, I was burning my Maryland Crab Cakes!

I even announced it on Twitter and.........................................................................................................

........................................................I don't really know where to go after that random, rambling stream of consciousness but let me tell you these home truths:

1 - Despite burning the said crab cakes that night, they were still very delicious and I will faithfully type out the recipe at the end of the post.

2 - Even more delicious were the wild black bream fillets we had after, which I brushed with melted butter (the little I had left) and grilled. They tasted fantastic and I can thoroughly recommend Fish For Thought for quality and freshness. The cocktail crab claws and scallops however still languish in the freezer so all suggestions would be gratefully received.

3 - Dhruv, I still intend to get you to cook for me one day (and Alex and Tim)

4 - Blog posts should not be finished whilst under the influence........but hey it was fun eh! ; )


Maryland Crab Cakes with Tarragon and Butter Sauce

Serves 4

450g fresh white crab meat

40g cream crackers

2 tbs chopped parsley

1 egg, beaten

2 tbs mayonnaise (homemade)

1 tbs English mustard powder

1 tbs freshly squeezed lemon juice

dash of Worcestershire sauce

salt and pepper

4 tbs clarified butter

For Tarragon Vinegar and Butter Sauce

5oml white wine vinegar

4 tbs clarified butter

1 plum tomato, skinned, peeled and diced

1 tsp chopped tarragon

Method

Put crackers into a plastic bag and crush with rolling pin into fine crumbs. Mix crab meat and chopped parsley in a bowl and add just enough cracker crumbs to absorb any moisture from crab (you might not need all of it).

Break the egg into another small bowl and whisk in mayonnaise, mustard, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce and some seasoning. Fold this mixture into crab meat but try not to break up the lumps of crab too much.

Shape the mixture in eight 7.5cm patties, put them on a plate, cover with cling film and chill for at least 1 hour.

Heat the clarified butter in a large frying pan. Add the crab cakes (4 at a time if your pan is not large enough for all 8) and cook over a medium heat for 2-3 minutes on each side until crisp and richly golden.

For the sauce, bring the vinegar to the boil in a small pan and reduce it to about 2 tablespoons. Add the clarified butter, diced tomato, chopped tarragon and some salt and pepper to taste and gently warm through. Place 2 of the crab cakes onto a warmed plate, spoon some of the sauce over and serve.

Taste Test

Burnt daydream

Beautiful Wild Black Bream